


memories

by dekusbaby



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Mentioned Hinata Shouyou, a little fluff, i think, its pretty sad, you guys decide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:56:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26691022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dekusbaby/pseuds/dekusbaby
Summary: kenma takes a week to cope with different items. each item holds a different memory.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. memory one ; flowers

IT WAS INTERESTING TO SEE KENMA SMILING IF HE WASN'T PLAYING A GAME OR TALKING TO SHOUYOU HINATA. the two-tone-haired setter wasn't big on emotions or reactions to really much of anything unless it was a game. the way his eyes would get excited when he was gifted with a new game, or the small clenching of his fists he did to express his happiness whenever he bumped up a level. 

the way he would narrow his eyes at karasuno's sunshine boy, hinata shouyou whenever he pulled a new move or did something kenma wasn't expecting, amazing. even those small things made those who surrounded him blink their eyes and stretch their lips in a grin of satisfaction and happiness at the fact that kenma was happy.

not many people caught kenma's attention and kenma did not like the company of many people. he supposed lev was fine, kind of too much for his taste. shouyou was fun to be around, he was an excitable person and reminded the quiet gamer of lev himself, though somehow had the patience to deal with the orange-haired spiker more than his foreign partner. he was nice to be around. then, there was kuroo. he enjoyed the company of kuroo the most and though he was silent about it and never really thanked the third year, kuroo knew. they were friends and kenma even smiled every so often at his partner in crime. someone he expected to always kind of be there.

and finally, there was y/n.

kenma was observant, his brain worked in interesting, mysterious ways. his strength was his ability to see what others couldn't, being able to seek out what others glossed over, skills he sharpened over time with his volleyball plays, kenma was intelligent. but he, for some reason, couldn't see how or when the third year, y/n l/n slid her way into kenma's life. she too, became someone kenma enjoyed being around. kuroo also had grown fond of the pretty third year, noticing she had been in a few of his classes.

y/n wasn't very loud, but she was funny. she was an interesting person to observe and she was good at hiding things. kenma could tell this much. it seemed for the past few months, the girl had been suffering and failed to tell those close to her, including kuroo and kenma. 

the pair did their best to be there for her, despite her attempts to push them away. kuroo said it was best not to pry on the matter if she seriously didn't want them to. kenma saw right through the bullshit, y/n was practically begging for help through whatever facade she was holding up.

she didn't want to seem weak and she didn't want to ask for help, she didn't want to be a burden or have people worrying about her. kenma could see this. he knew that, of course he knew. 

so he did his best to make y/n feel the opposite of that. 

y/n was too nice, the setter realized. she was always doing something for him. every friday, it seemed he received a new game from the girl. he always enjoyed them and maybe he enjoyed them a little more because they came from her.

"why did you get this for me?" kenma had asked the first time y/n gifted the second year with a game, happily bouncing and practically vibrating from her excitement at his reaction. y/n laughed at the words.

"because you like it, dont you?" y/n smiled, holding her arms behind herself. "when people get things they like, they're happy, right?"

kenma looked at her for a minute before staring down at his device, "i guess." he shrugged his shoulders and y/n beamed.

"does that mean you're happy, kenma-kun?" she pressed, leaning closer to him, having to bend down a little as she did to look him in his slanted, cat-like eyes.

kenma slowly nodded with a hum, entranced in his game at once and y/n couldn't have been happier.

kenma had remembered that as he gripped the flowers in his hand gently, ones he got from the supermarket not too far into town. nothing special, really. quite plain and simple and generic. but he supposed it was the feeling y/n got that made her love them so much. 

"supermarket flowers," kuroo spoke with his arms folded over his chest as he stood off to the side. his face was unreadable and he seemed to be recalling a memory of his own. "they're from the supermarket, right?"

kenma softly nodded as he neared the stone with engraved, slanted words that made his shoulder droop. "she told me she liked them once." he said, bending down to place them in the gravel area, where other flowers were placed. kenma could see his were the best. they were supermarket flowers. and they would have made y/n happy because she liked them. 

"they would make her happy." kuroo said as kenma stood up once more, turning around to leave. he sighed, following his friend in silence.

"i should've made her happy while she was here." kenma said. "so i could see..." he finished his sentence in his own thoughts, kuroo assumed. it was something he did often, so he wasn't fazed by it.

"you did make her happy," he said, glancing at kenma. they turned the corner and stood for a bit in more silence. 

"she was happy with you."


	2. memory two ; teas

THE ONLY THING KENMA EVER HAD IN HIS HANDS OTHER THAN A GAMING DEVICE WAS A VOLLEYBALL AND VICE VERSA. either he was focused on a match or something related to volleyball — only when he was forced to by kuroo, of course, or he held a switch or something related in his hands, eyes glued to the flashing screen of the device. he didn't see the need for anything else in that point of his life and nothing else would feel as great in his hands. perhaps, it was why the flowers yesterday were so weird. how he grasped them in between his rough fingers and treated them with as much care as he did for his game chips and disks and such.

but they were flowers for a grave, of course he would treat them with care. when the quiet setter had walked into the club room at nekoma the next day, holding delicately in his hands, a white box with some type of print at the top, nobody could tell what is was from a far away distance. but once he set it down and kuroo got a quick look at it, he realized it was a fine little tea box. it was the brand of the teas y/n liked to drink. interesting. kenma wasn't a tea person, he didn't drink it, kuroo recalled. 

the black-haired third year took a seat next to kenma on the bench in the club room, fixing up his volleyball shoes. he asked, "are we going today?" keeping his eyes trained on his shoes.

"i'm going," kenma said simply, also fixing his shoes. "you don't have to come."

for a split moment, kuroo couldn't tell if it was kenma's way of telling the third year he didn't want him there or not. but then, he realized kenma would've been blunt if that was the case. 'yes, don't come with me this time' is something he would've said.

kuroo dropped his foot and sat up, turning toward his friend, "of course i'm going."

kenma also dropped his foot. he sat there for a moment, gripping his knees and staring at the floor of the room in interest. "okay." the second-year then turned and brought the white tea box into his hands, then faced kuroo, a look in his eyes kuroo had only seen on rare occasions. "what do you think about leaving this?"

he had a look that seeked approval. kuroo didn't say anything for a moment, opening the box of teas carefully. the tea bags and different herbs immediately reminded him of the way y/n smelled. red rose, pique, and melbourne... y/n was a fan of authentic black teas. they made her feel like she was living, as she called it, an aesthetic life.

"they're old. probably stale."

kenma said, still keeping his untypically hard amber eyes set on his third year friend, still searching for an answer from kuroo. he was met with a bright laugh, kuroo threw his head back and chuckled, closing the small box and handing it back to his friend, "i think it's a great idea." he said.

kenma smiled smally, "her tea was gross because everything she used to make it with was old. she made me drink it anyway," he shrugged and stood up from the bench in the club room. "it always tasted like box and when i asked her why she still drank it, she said it was a good nostalgic feeling."

kenma quietly walked out as kuroo followed him after making sure the tea box would be safe from his rowdy teammates. 

kenma remembered the first time y/n offered him some tea. it was quite a horrible experience in the taste factor, but somehow and strangely, overall it was quite great. he often thinks how it's one of those things — where it seems like one thing matters but it's actually something else, something deeper. he used to think that entire concept was made up so people could call themselves wise and intelligent.

however, it seemed y/n l/n was exactly one of those people. not the ones who preached it, but the oned who practiced it. y/n was someone who had a whole other reasoning than what appeared on the surface of her actions. she unintentionally had deep meanings in the things she did and often times in the words she spoke, perhaps she was a more tame version of shouyou and perhaps, that was what kenma really liked about the girl...

"taste it, kenma-kun!" y/n cheered brightly as she held out her mug toward the boy. she beamed brightly, ushering the contents of hot early gray in the boy's direction and lifted it to his lips, "it's black tea! made by of course, the best tea-maker in town!"

"who's that?" kenma questioned curiously, immediately becoming confused when y/n looked dejected as she held her head down in shame. 

kuroo's laugh caused both kenma and y/n to wheel around and face the third year who smirked boldly, holding an arm at his hip as he stared at the two people who were shorter than him, "i'll have some, y/n," he grinned, the look painted onto his face looked like he took it as some sort of challenge for whatever reason. none of kuroo's looks really needed an explanation.

y/n wrinkled her nose, delicate fingers reaching the back of her neck to scratch gently as she let a light laugh tumble past her lips, "aah... i really want kenma-kun to drink it, though..."

kuroo's grinned only widened at the words and he nodded is head of messy bed hair to the quiet setter, who moved his thumbs across his device speedily, invested in his game, "you heard the girl, kenma," kuroo snickered, "drink the tea."

kenma tapped his tongue delicately on the roof of his mouth in a click as he dropped his hands with his device on his lap and stared up, "ugh," he sounded out a soft noise of irritation in his throat, "do i have to?"

y/n clapped her hands together with a slight bounce from where she stood and pulled her joined hands to her chest, "it would mean a lot if you did! really!"

kenma blinked, clicked his tongue once more, then gestured for the cup. y/n smiled brightly, quickly shoving the cup into the setter's small hands. her eyes watched him carefully and precisely, causing the boy to lift an eyebrow before tilting the cup to his lips.

he took a sip.

then spit it out.

y/n squeaked, quickly hopping back as kuroo immediately began his howl of laughter, toppling over with his hands around his stomach, "bahaha! how do you not know how to make tea, l/n?"

y/n ran her fingers gently through her locks, "aah, i guess i like my tea different than you like yours..." 

kuroo stalked off somewhere else, muttering 'to be young again' as he wiped the tears from his face.

"it's stale." kenma immediately stated, eyeing the cup with his quizzical amber eyes, a weird expression across his features. "why does it taste like that?"

"oh, i forgot about that..." y/n hummed in a kind of delight, "i like my teas stale! there's something about drawer-tasting tea that reminds me of my mother... i get a warm feeling and nostalgia rushes past me... it's nice that a drink can take me back to earlier times, so i take advantage of it."

kenma hadn't expected that response. it was strangely valid, and somehow, he'd expected her to say she forgot she had the tea bags or herbs or something. 

"that's nice." he managed, glancing down at the cup again, "i'll taste it one more time."

y/n smiled, handing the cup to him once again, "maybe one day, you can have a nice memory in old tea as well, kenma-kun!"

kenma and kuroo found themselves at the graveyard after practice, kenma setting down the box of teas after taking two to keep in the pocket of his red jacket.

kuroo saw the small action and smiled at his friend, "you plan on drinking some old tea soon?" he asked.

kenma nodded, stepping away as kuroo followed after him. 

"in memory of y/n."


	3. memory three ; photos

KENMA WAS UNREACTIVE TO ALL THINGS HAPPENING AROUND HIM IF HE WAS BUSYING HIMSELF WITH A GAME. he was aware ( maybe, probably not ) of things that surrounded him, unless he was getting heated and fired up— in that case, he would lose his ability to focus as the cloud of frustration tainted his thoughts, and typically clear mind. the cat-eyed setter wasn't big on pictures at all— which is kind of obvious, but he wasn't opposed unless said picture-taker was interfering with or getting in between his and his games.

y/n happened to love pictures.

or, taking pictures of those around her, rather. kenma didn't understand her fascination with doing so, and kuroo always tried to be ready whenever she pulled out her phone. y/n always said she preferred he didn't.

as stated, something y/n liked or said, always had a deeper meaning to it. she didn't exactly try to be wise or sound so intelligent with her words, it was just something that happened when she spoke.

kenma remembered the first conversation about pictures very clearly. he remembered everything with y/n clearly, as it always made him feel a strange swirl in his chest. like something he would feel when he's about to get a new game, as kuroo would probably tell him. excitement. happiness.

"you're so cute, kenma-kun!" y/n squealed as she stared down at her device, thumb swiping across her screen speedily. 

kenma arched a brown, amber eyes still trained on his device, his own thumbs were pressing on the various buttons to take down some sort of monster on his screen, "what makes you say that?" he asked, still distracted.

the corner of y/n's eyes wrinkled in large grin, holding up her phone to show the screen to kenma. the second year sighed and painfully tore his eyes away from one screen to another, only taking half a second before he slightly moved back in shock. he had a weird expression on his face, "why?" 

y/n snorted, "why what?" she giggled, pulling her phone back toward her again.

"why did you take that?" kenma dropped his eyes to his game again, restarting the level he was on. "i wasn't looking. isn't that a lawsuit or something?"

"what! awh, kenma-kun, you wouldn't sue me— would you?"

"i don't really know." kenma shrugged. "give me a good reason not to, i guess."

y/n poked her lips out in a pout, "you're really cute! besides, taking pictures when someone knows just takes away the reason for pictures, you know?"

"not really."

"i mean, pictures are supposed to be used to capture a moment and savouring it." y/n smiled, looking down at her phone again. "if i tell you to 'smile cause you're on camera!' doesn't the moment seem fake? pictures like these, when you have no clue you're being captured for a memory, are raw and beautiful and everything is real."

kenma blinked, looking up at the girl, "that's a nice way of looking at it..." he mumbled. "i won't sue." the smallest of smiles pulled at kenma's lips.

"ah, l/n!" kuroo's voice caused the girl to turn with a smile as kuroo smirked, striking a pose, "need a sexy screensaver? i've arrived!"

"aah, but i already have kenma-kun!"

"what about a lockscreen?" kuroo fixed his messy black hair, another pose, "i offer as tribute, just for you though,"

y/n laughed, shaking her head.

kenma smiled at the beauty of her stretched lips and the lines at the corner of her eyes, skin wrinkled carelessly in bliss. 

he took a picture.

kenma stared down at the— now framed— photo in his hand, along with a collection of others he took of the girl in her natural, raw beauty. pure emotion and realness in each and every one he took. he wished she was there, just so he could tell her how nice she looked in the pictures he took when she didn't know.

he placed three in the gravel of her grave and decided on keeping one for himself. the first unknown picture he took of y/n. he smiled to himself and stood from the grave, then turned to face kuroo, watching carefully as watched something flash in his friend's eyes.

maybe something that kuroo himself, was remembering. kenma took a small step back and stood, still as ever, looking at the engraved stone.

kuroo lifted his shoulders and heaved a deep sigh, his exhale heavy and thick with regret. he slowly turned, hands in his pocket, staring at the ground as slowly walked ahead. kenma pursed his lips and this time, he was the one jogging to catch up to his friend.

he tilted his head upward curiously, "are you okay?" kenma asked quietly. he knew he probably wasn't. neither of them were really okay. but they were coping.

kuroo shrugged, "hm, yeah." a rough hum sounded from the back of his throat.

"i just never took any pictures."


	4. memory four ; cards

KENMA WAS NEVER BIG ON SHOWING OR EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS IN HUGE WAYS. he was very quiet about them and mostly thought about them to himself. he gave and expressed gratitude to people in his head, and though said person he was giving his thanks to didn't know, it worked for him. y/n, as always, was different from him when it came to anything like that.

kenma had realized it a while ago, but again, y/n was way too nice. she seemed to really love and appreciate her friends, so along with gifts to kenma and raw pictures of his apparent beauty, she often gave him cards. they were to remind him of their friendship and to show her appreciation toward him. he didn't really get it, actually.

though, he soon found out, that he simply didn't need to get it. he needed to accept it, as it was all that y/n was silently asking for. she didn't need any of her friends to really understand why she did so many things for them, why she worked so hard and tried her best to make them happy, all she asked was for them to be happy, and she was fine.

as kenma remembered the first time y/n had gifted him a card, he cringed at the remembrance. there was a stab in his gut at the memory, and even though he wanted to, he couldn't exactly erase it from his mind.

"kenma-kun, it's been a month since we've been friends!" y/n smiled happily swaying by his side in the halls, "here you go!"

kenma didn't bother to look at whatever his friend was offering. he kept his head against the locker and peered down at the game, "no thanks," he said shortly after, focusing on defeating the level he was currently on, "try giving it to tetsurou,"

he had barely processed the small huff that tumbled from her lips, like frustration was the sound she made. it was curious but the setter didn't outwardly acknowledge such a small action and kept his focus on the game in front of him, though he could hear the plain forced smile in her voice, "but it's for you," she insisted. "i made one for kuroo specifically, for all of my friends as... uhm, individuals and... kenma-kun?"

kenma hummed, "yeah, that's fine, you can leave it," he told her. his mind went into momentary panic when he saw the life of his character significantly decreasing with the attack of his enemy. he thought he felt something touch his foot but. didn't bother glancing at it until the level was over. he was defeated and with a sigh, he pulled his gaming device away form his gaze and saw an envelope on the floor of the school halls near his foot.

kenma hummed curiously, remembering how y/n was with him only a few seconds ago. he looked at the envelope on the floor and turned to peer down the hall, then the other way. unfortunately, realization had dawned on him; she was upset, most likely. 

kenma bent down to pick up the envelope with the small card and opened it up, just as the bell rang for his next class. he didn't make a move to get to class, instead read over the message y/n had written for him. after just a single month of being friends, she had so much to say to him about him. it made his throat tight and dry. he simply safely closed it away into his bag. 

but he could also remember going out that afternoon after practice.

and the next day he was at shool, y/n was by his side with her typical sweet, soft smile and bright eyes. kenma didn't say anything until they reached her locker. she paused her sentence when an envelope fell from her small metal space;

a card. 

and it was then that kenma slipped away, a small smile sitting on his face at the way she probably reacted when she read the words. 

it was the second half of the day when he opened his locker and a small paper slipped from his locker; a paper card. 

and he had learned that y/n loved cards. in her own handwriting, she had said so. she had even made a small pop up, the tearing was messy and it looked rushed, but it made kenma smile nonetheless.

his smile faded and dropped into a thin line when the memory was blown away with the harsh, chilling breeze that kissed the side of his face roughly. he was brought back to the reality he was currently living in and stared down at the grave he and kuroo stood at. 

he placed the card he held in his hands, gently down so it slightly leaned back onto the stone grave. it held a message to her, and kenma could only hope something existed after death, as he so desperately wished she could read his words. he knew she would be extremely happy.

"from the dollar store?" kuroo asked as he stared at the card kenma just placed at the grave. 

kenma even smiled a little,

"they were her favorite."


	5. memory five ; stuffies

KENMA DIDN'T REALLY SLEEP, AS HE WAS TYPICALLY PLAYING A GAME WHENEVER HE COULD. he went to bed around a late time, then often woke up at around 2 am to play games for hours and hours, hidden under the softness and warmth of a large blanket, wrapped around his still figure.

kenma never really necessarily had any troubles with sleeping. at some point, he just decided games were better than his health. not that it effected anything too much. y/n, on the other hand, had trouble sleeping. for sure.

her nights were mostly spent with her still and tense under her large sheets as she stared at one dark spot in her room and searched for demons, or listening for intruders to try and break in. 

though, crimes like those never really took place in kenma's neighborhood. the most related thing to crimes where he lived, was him getting bullied, and y/n's neighborhood was quite the same, too. 

regardless, her worrisome mind could only be dealt with by not feeling alone and so vulnerable in her bedroom. kenma found out very quickly y/n slept with large stuffed animals which she held dear to her, so she's told kenma. 

kenma wasn't someone who got embarrassed all too easily— he really didn't have much concern with what was going on around him, as long as it didn't get in the way of what he was trying to do at that moment. but the two-toned setter could say that the day y/n arrived to school with a large stuffed animal, his cheeks heated up.

he wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or weirded out — perhaps he was just confused. he couldn't speak properly and he found that he was frozen as y/n smiled at him, around the stuffed animal. 

"aah, kenma-kun, look what i have for you!" her sing-song voice pulled him out of whatever dazed state he'd tripped into, "you told me you didn't sleep, so i brought you this!"

kenma had slightly leaned back, his hands pulled to his chest, face still forming that questioning expression with the pink undertone of a blush hidden beneath his fair skin, "o-oh," he said, eyes wide. and he asked the question that had practically been poking at the back of his mind from the inside, "how does this help me sleep?"

y/n smiled, moving to hold the large bear under her arm ( with extreme difficulty ), "when i first started losing sleep, my parents bought this for me," she informed her friend with an excited smile. "this little guy was the first one to ever help me get some shut eye. i have many other ones now, so ive been meaning to find him a home, one where i know he'll be in good hands, you know? i worry sometimes,"

kenma nodded slowly, wondering how she was speaking as if the stuffed animal was real, like he had feelings and emotions, like he's had actual problems or somehow knew what pain was.

and for a second, kenma's mind slipped as he stared into the beady sewn-on eyes of the stuffed animal, he wondered if it had watched y/n's pain throughout all the years she'd kept him on her bed. he wondered — though with a small snap of y/n's fingers, he was back. 

"i've washed him and everything," y/n promised kenma with a gentle smile, "do you want him?"

with the hopeful look in her eyes, and her excited expression, kenma remembered he felt like he simply could not refuse. he smiled as he remembered having to walk through the halls with the huge bear and going to practice, having to set it on the bench. and the first night he had it, kenma slept so well, he refused to use it as a pillow again, as he wanted to play his games instead of actually going to sleep.

however, it was still in his bedroom, now accompanied by all of y/n's other stuffies.

kenma looked down at the small stuffie he held in his hands. he had searched all over for the small bear his parents gifted him with at the age of nine, and wondered at what age y/n received her first stuffed animal.

kenma felt just a little selfish for taking all of y/n's stuffies under his care instead of the children they would've been sent off to, but all of them needed a good home, that's what y/n would've said. 

the stuffie he held in his hand was his. all of y/n's stuffed animals had a home with him and kenma thought of returning the favour to y/n by doing the same thing with his own and it was the only one he had to give. 

he placed down the stuffed bear. it was kind of dirty despite having washed it so many times and the ears of it drooped significantly, but still, y/n would've loved it. 

"there," kenma said quietly. 

"now, y/n won't be afraid to sleep."


	6. memory six ; tears

KENMA NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE POINT OF SOMEONE POINTING OUT SOMETHING THAT WAS OBVIOUS. something that was known to the person they were attempting to notify. kenma spent the entire week walking into the clubroom with a different item every day.

it was no secret he began taking the items to the grave of y/n l/n. nobody mentioned it. it was a touchy subject, and though it was none of anybody's business why he had no item as he walked into the clubroom on friday, the most they could do was wonder. in their minds, of course. kenma wasn't stupid, far from it, quite so— he knew his teammates were probably wondering why he had nothing that day, even kuroo himself. but he knew way better than to bring this to the sharp setter's attention.

of course kenma knew he didn't have anything. leave it up to the first years to ruin literally everything, though, right?

just as everyone began to get into position, lev haiba— the loud, clumsy, foreign first year kenma often struggled with— bolted into the gym with his idiot lanky self like he just owned the place. 

kenma would just ignore him as long as he could, as he usually did. things were going okay, they were swell. well— as swell as they could be with lev around. then, the words came. painfully obvious.

"kenma-senpai!" lev's gaze lowered to kenma's hands, "you didn't bring anything today! did you stop going to —"

"no." and it was all that was needed to be said for the tension in the gym to get suffocatingly thick as practice began. 

and when he arrived at her grave with kuroo, after practice, he dropped to his knees, and pressed a palm to the gravelly ground, remembering a painful memory. 

the first time he'd seen y/n cry. 

first, because there were many, many more times. but seeing tears freely streak down her cheeks as she didn't bother to wipe them away for the first time, was an image that kenma could never let go of, he would never be able to wash away such a look. 

her eyes were incredibly dark and clouded with her sadness, her face was wet and flushed in blotches underneath her usually s/c skin. kenma slowly walked over to the girl, setting a very gentle hand on her shoulder, he asked, "y/n?"

y/n seemed to snap out of whatever daze she was in, turning her head so e/c eyes met amber ones. kenma was curious as to why she didn't rush to wipe away her tears or maybe turn around and pretend like he saw nothing — that's what most people did, right? instead of doing so, however, the girl let out a huff and shook her head,

"sorry, kenma-kun," she said quietly, voice just a. had scratchy and close to worn out, like she was catching cold. "i can't really talk right now, i'm busy,"

"oh." kenma said quietly, letting the girl brush past him quickly. he thought to himself for a moment. the setter wasn't really good with words and he didn't like talking to people, but he'd been told that he was strangely comfortable on multiple occasions so, "y/n... uhm, are you..."

y/n shook her head, waving her hand, "i'll see you tomorrow, kenma-kun, really."

and then tomorrow came. he expected y/n to be back to normal like she usually was after she got upset. but she wasn't at his locker that morning, and he hadn't seen her for half the day either. 

only right before right class, her head was stuck inside her locker, and kenma put a hand on her shoulder as a small greeting. she jumped, but immediately calmed down upon meeting slanted, amber eyes, "oh my gosh, you scared me," she sighed, shaking her head, "you know class is about to start, right? we have to get going."

"no, i think we should stay here." kenma countered, leaning against the locker beside hers with his typical expression. 

y/n raised her eyebrows in question, "uhm, no. stay out here if you want to, but i'm going to class. i'll see you later,"

"you don't want to talk about it?" when the girl continued with the confused look on her face, kenma pressed more, "yesterday. you were..."

"oh, no. it was nothing."

"i don't think it was nothing." it went quiet between the two, y/n stared down at her toes as kenma drew his brows, staring hard at his friend. and finally "so will you tell me?"

y/n took in a breath and he thought she would finally tell him what was going on— what had made her so upset. but she shook her head, "im sorry kenma-kun... even if i wanted to, i can't tell you. im really sorry, but please don't worry about me, okay? it's nothing."

funny how those words only made kenma worry even more. was it supposed to put him at ease? "you're still crying. it must be serious—"

"it's good to cry, kenma-kun. you know... when you're stressed or sad or frustrated, it's just good to let it all out," y/n gently wiped at her tears with a small smile, "thank you for being concerned. but it's nothing, okay?" 

"i can't force you to tell me, so..." kenma looked conflicted as he stared at the floor. he wented to actually help someone feel better for once, and he couldn't don it. 

y/n smiled and quickly leaned toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck for a hug, "i'm sorry that i made you worry. im usually better at hiding it."

kenma hummed and slowly wrapped his arms around y/n as well with the smallest smile on his face, "no, i think you should cry openly if you're sad," he said. "if i don't know you're upset, i wouldn't have known you needed a hug."

he felt y/n smile against his shoulder before pulling away and wiping at her face, "you need to take your own advice, kenma-kun. you're always hiding your emotions. one day, you should reslly just let it all out." she let out a soft laugh.

"let it all out?"

"yes, let all of it out!" she smiled and gave his cheeks a small pat, "it's healthy to cry, you know. you should try it. for me, at least! empathize with me a little."

kenma lowered his head, reaching over to place his hand on the rough stone. the name engraved in the stone blurred with every blink, and he didn't bother to push them away. for y/n, he brought her tears. 

she would've been happy, knowing he was crying to release everything he felt. it was the healthiest way to cope, after all. though what he felt was more than the pit of sadness in his stomach. layers and layers of emotions and feelings all out once. the tears that stained his face were bitter. regretful. angry. shameful. hurt. confused. 

nonetheless, he was letting it all out, just like she wanted. 

"i'm crying for you, y/n."


	7. memory seven ; angel

EVEN BEFORE KENMA MET Y/N L/N, HE THOUGHT SHE'D BEEN SOME KIND OF ANGEL. as he walked through the halls of his school, the morning sunlight bled through the reflective glass and sunlight poured like honey into the building on that empty morning. he succeeded in skipping morning practice, escaping kuroo after the man dragged him ouy of his own room and forced him into the locker room; he snuck out the back door. with it being so early, he didn't exactly to bump into anyone while he kept his eyes on his device and walked. 

but alas, a quiet gasp came from the figure who was forced back by him. curiosity, admittedly, got the best of him and he tore his eyes away from his device. at first he was confused— the girl's appearance was blocked due to standing directly in the early morning sun's beam and the glint off the window created that of a reflective rainbow. she stood in complete light and glowed fantastically, kenma squinted. 

an angel?

"i'm sorry!!" he was pulled from his thoughts at the frantic voice filled with fear and the girl quickly pocketed whatever device she held, cradling her school stuff in one arm. "i wasn't paying attention and i didn't see... are you okay? oh my gosh, are you in shock? did i hit you?" she stepped out of the light and kenma could breathe again upon seeing she was human. maybe. 

"oh..." he said. "it's fine."

a brilliant smile formed on the girl's lips, "that's good! are you here for extra help, too?"

kenma shook his head, his focus going back to his game on his phone, "no. im skipping volleyball practice."

"oh right, you're on the team, i forgot! uhm, kozume kenma, is it?" she saw the boy nod and smiled happily, "nice to meet you, kenma-kun! i'm l/n y/n! well, i guess i should get—"

"hey, kenma— is that you?" a voice called from behind y/n. she curiously turned around as kenma sighed. wasn't he the captain of the volleyball team? and he was also in a few of her classes. "stop running off— practice starts in three minutes!"

"time to go back," kenma muttered sulkingly. 

"do you want to go back right now?" y/n asked with a weird expression. "why don't you just book it and hope for the best?"

"book it? and hope for the best?"

y/n didn't say anything. she only smiled and took kenma's hand, pulling him away from his captain and running down the halls. he gripped onto his phone for dear life as y/n dragged him in a rush, a laugh falling from her lips, "come on!"

"l/n, i don't think this is gonna—"

"i was skipping too, by the way!" y/n laughed, taking a turn and rushing into one of the empty classrooms. kenma was forced in with her as she shut the door, watching the outside as kenma watched her. she was panting and her cheeks were heated from the running. he stood at her side and kept his eyes on her curiously. 

"what are we doing?" he asked. 

she smiled, "we're skipping, silly. isn't it obvious? you don't wanna go to practice and i dont wanna go to math. it's— ah! get down!" she pulled kenma to the floor of the classroom with her and laughed, "ahh, that was close, huh."

kenma shut off his phone and put it into his pocket, crossing his legs to get comfortable. y/n stood on her knees to look through the window of the door and smiled, "looks like we're in the clear, kenma-kun!"

the setter blinked. he kind of wanted to stay longer. he looked at y/n and realized she didn't just look like an angel in the glow of the sun beams. she looked like one in the dim of the classrooms and as they were running in the halls. he looked down into his lap, "let's stay here for a while."

y/n dropped back down onto her butt with huffed happily. she flashed a brilliant smile and gave him a nod, "okay."

he would return the favour. he sat with his legs crossed, amber eyes unfocused as the memories of her holding his hand as they sped down the halls to escape kuroo played in his mind over and over again. 

the only thing that pulled him from the images in his mind was when his phone rang in his pants. it startled him, but upon realizing the source of the sudden noise, he sighed, not wanting to even see who was bothering him. 

but with kuroo's jab at his shoulder, he dug out his phone, taking a minute to frown at his mom's contact name. he held the device up to his ear and immediately heard the quiet sniffles of cries, and he frowned ever so slightly, "hello?"

"kenma," his mother cried on the other end. 

"they found her."


	8. memory eight ; home

HER BODY. they had found her body. 

all in once piece is the only thing kenma found he could be thankful for. she'd been missing for a month. the suspect admitted to the kidnapping and murder of y/n and refused to speak of the whereabouts. the memorial service took place a week after those news. 

and kenma felt nothing but shame and regret as he honored the memory of her at an empty casket. and then a call. she wasn't in pieces abs parts of her weren't missing. at least she was found- though he couldn't imagine what she'd suffered through. he didn't want to imagine. 

his final memory of her, had been walking her home. she was scared out of her mind. to kenma- she seemed paranoid. she was constantly looking over her shoulder and checking her phone, telling kenma to get closer, acting like someone was out to get her. turns out, it was exactly that. 

"are you okay, y/n?" he asked that afternoon. "you seem jumpy. it's weird."

y/n failed at giving the boy a reassuring smile, "uh, yeah! uhm yes, yeah- i'm fine... it's okay..." they slowed down near her house and she looked around the area again. checked her phone. "well, this is me..."

kenma simply nodded, "hm, yeah... see you tomorrow," he pulled out his phone and turned on his heel, only to be pulled back by y/n, a strong grip on his elbow.

"i should be at school tomorrow, kenma-kun," she said quietly, casting her gaze down. "i should be there."

"like always," kenma lowered his device, squinting quizzically at his friend as she nodded. "are you okay-"

y/n kissed him. 

he could remember the way it felt. her lips were soft and it lasted for a very, very short amount of time. neither one of them made any sort of effort to move further in or embrace one another. it was simple. nice. good. kenma remembered he had hoped for longer, or maybe to do it again some time in the future. y/n pulled away and she gave him an almost shaky smile. 

"like always," she said. 

and she turned to step into her home. 

she wasn't at school the next day. kenma never wanted to remember the kind of anxiety that day held for him. his stomach went through an extreme amount of gut wrenching pain, popping bubbles of nerves and twisting nausea, he had to be excused from practice. and instead of going home, he went to y/n's. she wasn't there. her parents were just as confused. 

maybe she went to the shop? maybe she went to blow off steam? everyone wanted to think of any excuse. anything but living in the reality of the situation. 

y/n was officially reported missing in just a day due to the strange circumstances. 

those next few weeks were the worst memories kenma ever had. but he could only remember the good, early ones as her body was lowered. could only remember her smiles and laugh and voice and her box tasting tea and extremely large stuffies. he could only feel her lips and tight squeezes and remember how angelic she really was. how kind and selfless she had been. 

she lived her life... almost like she knew it would be cut short. maybe she did. maybe she saw no way out. 

kenma recalled her off days. days when she'd be sad and insist she couldn't tell him the problem. days she would talk to him about her fears of someone breaking in to her home at night. days she would spend an awful lot of time staring anxiously, fearfully at her phone. 

it hurt. extremely bad. horrifyingly, terribly bad. it made him sick and his knees week. the entire situation made him feel regret and shame burning the buds of his tongue. 

'if only' and 'what if i had just' were the only things on his mind. what if he'd gotten someone else involved? just maybe things could've been different. 

her parents, authorities - someone who could've helped. 

but he could almost hear her voice in his head, "kenma-kun, you have to look ahead! stop being silly, thinking about stuff you can't change!" yeah. that's what she would say. he wondered what she would think if she knew he was drowning himself in self hatred for doing nothing at the clear signs of something that was much bigger than he himself. "you can't fix something you aren't aware of." she said that to him, once. when he had been complaining about lev and his stupid mistakes- that's what she said. lev didn't fix it until kenma told him what the problem was. 

y/n never told him what the problem was. she didn't tell anyone. she convinced herself she couldn't. 

so he couldn't change it. nobody could.

it was just how things were. at least, the clouds took back another angel. maybe she had been a lesson. a few, considering all the things she taught kenma. she seemingly appeared out of nowhere and disappeared just like that. an angel the heavens decided they wanted to take back, perhaps. and with that thought, he was okay. 

she was no longer suffering. earth was too cruel a place for her to roam, anyhow. the girl was too good. he turned away with kuroo by his side for the last time for a while, he decided. and felt the calm of the words he muttered quietly wash over him.

"you're home, y/n."


End file.
